But I've been caught up in preparations for an audition and an upcoming competition...and taking my own music rather seriously. In late December, I saw a live jazz performance was struck by how much fun all of the musicians and the singer were having. They were undoubtedly all very talented and well-trained, but when it came to performing, they didn't let their own seriousness about their music inhibit their thrill in just "playing" it.
Of course singers sometimes have a hard time identifying with this idea of "play." We don't usually think of playing our voices, or at least I don't. The voice is the manifestation of so many anatomical parts...it's not easy to separate it, to see it as an instrument apart from ourselves.
And singers face the very difficult task of attempting to hear ourselves (yes, I'm speaking for everybody here). The way we hear our own voice never matches the actual sound that reaches the listener's ear. And often, at least for myself, the more we try to hear and analyze the sound we are producing, the more we interfere with our body's natural ability to produce it. Oh, gosh, it's a vicious cycle! And for me, wanting to be so good at singing, and taking the music so seriously, sometimes has that effect too.
At my audition this past weekend, I made it a goal to be in the moment as much as possible, to focus on singing the words and using them to express a character, and to just let myself go. But habits are hard to break...in the middle of one aria, I suddenly noticed that I was listening to myself. This invariably means that I'm holding back a fraction of a percent, even if it's just one note, for one second. I was very pleased that I noticed it in the middle of singing, rather than wondering afterward why the audition wasn't quite as great as I thought it could be. I did actually have fun singing my arias, and felt much more commitment to the characters that I have in past auditions. So this will be a goal for the rest of the year, and certainly for the competition in a few weeks: to, yes, play my voice and focus on the fun moments ahead rather than letting my mind dwell for a fraction of a second on the current or just past note.
I'll be seeing Bela Fleck live tonight, and I have no doubt that I'll be inspired again to not let my desire to be an excellent singer interfere with delivering the most fun and uninhibited performance I can.
