December 29, 2009: As the days dwindle down

I was fairly shocked to hear and watch the post-Christmas spate of media reviews of the decade- I hadn't really been thinking of this year as the last in a group or as somehow the fitting conclusion of a period in life! It is a well-known fact in my family that New Years Eve is my least favorite holiday of the year, so I generally ignore its existence if possible. Watching a glittering ball drop, kissing somebody, anybody, and drinking too much champagne- are these really the best symbolic gestures we can come up with to signal the change in the calendar year and somehow give our lives some definition? Don't get me wrong, I love champagne (or cava, or prosecco, or sparkling whatever), but I think the holiday would really be much better if it had some of the winter solstice-like, druid-y, and nature-based ceremony to it. On occasion my family has chosen to spend New Years in the mountains cross-country skiing, and so far I think this is the best way to celebrate that can be found. Looking at the stars without light pollution, breathing in lung-fulls of cold mountain air, and falling repeatedly while attempting to ski down a 7% grade hill...these are things that make you want to start anew and refocus your life.

We did in fact go skiing a few days ago, and the scenery offered me a chance to compare/contrast my life here with the visit to Paris. I took a lot of pictures of buildings while there. And you'd think there would be limit on the number of times you can see the Eiffel Tower and want to capture it, but I don't think there is. Meanwhile, here in Colorado, there is no shortage of wonder to feel at the miracle of fresh snow on the ground and a clear, electric blue sky.

But it is cold outside, and after the pause of a few days to really enjoy spending time with my family and celebrate Christmas holidays, I'm back to the stress/good motivation of having to learn and memorize a bunch of music. I'm finally feeling 98% better after a round of antibiotics and nasal spray, so I can sing and practice and drill lines. Any singer can empathize with the weird paradox of having deadlines- when you don't have any audition or concert coming up, you feel more relaxed about practicing but also less motivated. So I haven't really taken time to ponder and philosophize about all the feedback I received in Paris/Germany because there's music to be learned! The wonderful thing about the human mind is that it can multi-task and I'm trying to incorporate some new ideas as I polish the new music. The first few months of next year are full of singing, so I know I'll need to carry this energy with me.

And when I get tired of staring at all of the little black dots and lines, I get to look up at a blue sky.

Greetings, Fellow Singers and Vocalists!

Since I am new to the world of blogging, it is rather exciting to read and see all of the blogs out there written by friends, colleagues, and teachers. My undergraduate opera director and choir conductor has just started one, and it looks to be fabulous:

Greetings, Fellow Singers and Vocalists!

December 17, 2009: Back in the Saddle

I'm back in Denver...after a long day of travel on Monday in which I missed my connection, fortunately made another one shortly after, but my bags didn't....they did come later in the middle of the night. Needless to say, I was around lots of coughing sick people on the flights, and my almost-better cold has come back with a vengeance.

BUT...I have my neti pot here, an actual bed, humidifier, etc. So hopefully I'll actually kick this thing soon. I also came back to a house bedecked and lighted, and am enjoying listening to some holiday music (and watching Home Alone). I'll hopefully be all better to sing at a holiday party this weekend for Loveland Opera Theater, and need to practice my behind off to memorize Dorabella in Cosi fan tutte. My schedule from now through early April actually looks pretty full- at least when it comes to performances, auditions, and competitions. Lots of recitative to learn...which is more difficult than the actual musical numbers.

And meanwhile must finally take care of mundane tasks like getting my car registered here. Good thing I got all of my Christmas gifts in Paris, so I don't have to deal with malls or crowds here!

It's always difficult to come back from a big trip and maintain the momentum and excitement from being abroad and working with new colleagues. Since I'm also "new" to Denver, as a professional singer, I actually have to do the same thing here as in Paris, in the way of seeking out new mentors and potential bosses, find opportunities to sing, and create a name for myself. I'm going to register for some actual French classes, and hopefully find a new yoga studio. I won't be wandering around, taking pictures of Gothic cathedrals, but Colorado is a pretty great place to be, and I should use this blog as an excuse to take some nice pictures! I continue to mess around with my website (www.ruthlcarver.com), and need to plan a new recording for sometime in the spring...so there's lots to work on, and I'm glad that music is what I get to spend all day thinking about.

December 12, 2009: Riches

Here's the most awesome thing about travel: not only do you gain experience, knowledge, appreciation of a foreign culture and land, but you get to leave some of your "baggage" behind. I suppose some of this is inherited from my frugal grandmother, but I love taking along with me clothing items, shoes, toiletries that are nearing the end of their days, but I would feel very guilty about throwing away at home. So, for instance, underwear that have old elastic, old bits of soap, shoes with worn soles, all come along on trips, get used prodigiously for a month, and then left behind. It's like the sloughing off of old skins cells...underneath, as you travel back home, you have the new experiences shining all the more brightly.

Of course all this is true (hopefully) for some more metaphorical, psychological baggage as well...like maybe time alone in a foreign place and all of the loneliness and learning that occurs makes you grow. I think this is true. Unless all you do is go to Amsterdam and visit its sundry places of business. Not sure how much psychological growth occurs there.

But me, on the other hand: I had a unusually educational audition yesterday, in which the auditors essentially gave me a coaching on my arias. There advice was very useful, and I wish I'd had my recorder to preserve their thoughts! Last night I went to Rouen again, and saw Il Barbieri di Siviglia, which I'd never seen live before. Today I'm back in Paris and seeing Bach's Christmas Oratorio tonight. The performances I've seen on this trip make me almost embarrassed...these are the riches of the post title. Every performance is learning opportunity, and I'm so glad that I've been able to see so many. And I made some gorgeous paper snow flakes with my little cousin this morning, so I got my own creative juices flowing too.

I've read some wonderful books on this trip (somehow ended up with an abundance of murder mysteries...)

1. Case Histories by Kate Atkinson

2. The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold

3. The Selected Writings of Lady Gregory

4. How the Irish Saved Civilization by Thomas Cahill

5. some of The Penguin Book of Historic Speeches (good section on Irish history)

6. Careless in Red by Elizabeth George

7. The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society by Mary Ann Shaffer and Annie Barrows

and yes, I'm going to have to purchase something else tomorrow or at the airport to read on the plane. I used to read a lot, and in the past few years since undergraduate studies, I've found it hard to find anything that I could finish. Maybe it's a state of mind. In any case I'm glad I'm back in the state where reading is more enjoyable than watching most TV, even if it's just a good murder mystery.

Tomorrow is the last full day, which will be spent packing, searching out a few remaining gifts, and hopefully seeing a friend and an uncle. I've been homesick nearly the whole time, but now I'm feeling the melancholy of leaving this time behind. I have to trust that my future holds more such adventures. Indeed when I get home, I have a lot of digesting of information to do, the learning of two roles to complete, and the planning of some more auditions and competitions. Having this time to just be and absorb so much wonderful feedback has been remarkable.

December 10, 2009: the end is near

After my audition tomorrow morning, I will be in serious "last weekend in Paris" mode.

I got back from Germany this evening, and boy has this last week gone quickly. You wouldn't think that spending a few days in a town of 2000 would be that exciting, but it really flew by and was filled with study and practicing and more study, all within the setting of this little Schloss. Last night I joined my coach and her husband at a neighbor's Christmas party, with the intention that we might play/sing a few songs for the guests. This is not normally the kind of thing I like doing....the introvert in me loves playing dress-up and getting into character on stage, but does not really love just standing in front of a bunch of people 3 feet away and singing. But I took the

opportunity just to give my nerves and sightreading a test- we didn't plan or practice anything beforehand. It's good to know some skills just work even when you're not in your ideal performing zone. And they fed us delicious spaeztle and some sort of almond mousse with red currants. Mmmm.

I got a chance to walk around the Christkindlesmarkt today, fortunately during a brief sunny spell. There are hundreds of stalls, but they all sell variations on a few items: 1. Wurst, 2. Gluehwein, 3. Lebkuchen and other sweets, and 4. Christmas decorations. I did my duty and had a hot mug of the wine...and I have to admit I was tempted to break my moral code

and eat what looked to be delicious sausages.

Nuernberg is a lovely town and it's so fun to see what it must be like to live in a city that's been around so long. Can't really do that in the States.

So I am preparing mentally for the audition tomorrow, and hopefully will put all of my recent coaching to good use. Mantra: Have no fear!

December 8, 2009: Practice makes permanent

An old orchestra conductor of mine used to say that to us in rehearsal...I suppose the point is that our minds and bodies are creatures of habit, and we're very good at learning something and then sticking to it. Studying voice should theoretically be incredibly easy since the speaking and singing go hand in hand and we learn how to use our voices from the moment of birth. If only that were the case! I don't know about anybody else, but sometimes I have to work to find this easy place where there is only 'good tension.' It's amazing how conscious and unconscious muscle tension can make all the difference between sounding good in your own head and sounding good in a huge opera house. And of course the whole point of this is to be able to share my sound and use it to communicate to others!

I am currently in the teeny, tiny hamlet of Henfenfeld, near Nuremberg...which could not be more different from Paris. It is placid and quiet, with one church, one bakery, one castle, for some reason two banks, and no grocery store. But there's more breathing room here, so it makes a nice change of pace from the big city. I'll get to go into the Christkindlmarkt soon, and maybe get an ornament or two. It's so nice to see how different communities and cultures celebrate this season!

December 6, 2009: Grampus Day!

Some may know it as St. Nicholas Day, but in my family it's always been called Grampus, the Austrian name for the Saint's sidekick who would theoretically accompany him and punish the naughty children while the good ones got candies and oranges. Not sure why we celebrate the bad guy...in any case, normally we leave our boots out the night before and wake in the morning to find a few little treats within them, and maybe an onion or something if we've been a little bad throughout the year. Although it's very similar to the whole Santa/Christmas tradition that America celebrates, I've always been happy that our family kept this tradition alive too.

Well, I certainly have boots here in Paris (and very glad I brought them too!), and in the past I have left myself whatever goodies St. Nicholas/my mom has sent. I skipped it this year (maybe skipping Thanksgiving and Grampus Day will make Christmas all the more special?) mostly because it's sort of odd to buy yourself chocolates and then put them in your boots, and then wake up the next morning to be "surprised" by the Saint's visit. Also I'm still not feeling well, and chocolates shockingly don't sound that appetizing. I've promised myself that later today I'll try to go out and find something delicious, whether it be chocolate, a pastry, or maybe a hot tea somewhere.

Woke up today feeling worse, with the congestion down in my chest; I know this is a good thing that it's moving down, and hopefully all out in the next day or two...all the same I went to the only supermarche that was open and got some garlic, honey, lemon, and some more tea. I'm trying the raw garlic with honey remedy that I've heard about before although you're really supposed to take it as soon as you start feeling sick. I figure it can't hurt- I just smell a lot.

Yesterday I had a lesson with the mezzo Jennifer Larmore, who is fabulously nice and very caring. I had been sort of worried, trying to prioritize what I wanted to sing for her and what she might be able to help me with the most. Of course in the end we spent the whole time on a single aria! It was a very helpful lesson, primarily because of her insight into my psyche...the way she said a few things helped really crystallize ideas I've had or known about for a while now. Sometimes, you just need someone to express something in a certain way, and it all makes sense. She immediately saw my desire to perform, to entertain, and express- and some of the psychological things I do that might interfere with my actual singing. I know I'm far from alone in this boat- 97% of the singers/musicians I know are at least a little neurotic!

One of the central themes was commitment/ownership. There are a lot of words you can use to describe this mentality- confidence, self-assurance, assertiveness, etc. - but it comes down to in the moment you walk on stage, believing and knowing that you are the only one who can do what your about to do (so you damn well better do it!). I always get in character when I'm singing an aria, or try to express the poetry of a song...but it is true that I don't always allow myself to fully be in the moment, with the knowledge that I'm doing all that I know how to do, and there's nothing to worry about. Another teacher, Carol Kirkpatrick, call this part of the brain "the Brat." The part that hears the last note you sang, and tells you it could have been better, the part that the second before you open your mouth, tells you not to screw up that high note...in other words, self-doubt. In more positive terms, I need to practice this kind of mental preparation and affirmation daily.

I know this sounds so basic, and even a little like psycho-babble, and it's true that I've heard it before. I think this is the first time I've understood how parts of my personality (me) and my voice are connected...and indeed the things I need to practice for performance can maybe help with the rest of my life. I always feel better when I finally make a decision after a long, long period of waffling or limbo (where to go to school, where to live, what plane ticket to buy, etc.), so it should transfer to my singing as well. I want to be an opera singer! It's my voice, I'm the only one making it, giving it, using it.

This is more of a pep talk to myself, btw. Yes, I'm a little neurotic too.

December 5, 2009:

There is a downpour outside at the moment, making me all the more glad that I took the sunny opportunity to walk around Montmartre yesterday. Yes, Montmartre, the San Francisco of Paris, with its hills and staircases, sex shops, and gorgeous cathedral. It was still bitterly cold outside when the wind picked up, but sun in Paris in the winter...can't help but go outside.

I took basically all of the same pictures last summer when I was here, but that was before the great computer crash of 2008, in which I lost all of my photos from my trip to Paris-Montepulciano-Nuremberg. But it's always interesting to see the Sacre Coeur, which is just so different from the other great cathedrals of Paris. They tend to the gothic, dark, with extra pillars and small spaces, while Sacre Coeur is so light and open, with all its modern stained glass and colorful mosaics. This time I also wandered around the cemetery... not quite as many hip graves as some of Paris' other cemeteries, but it certainly has some good ones: Degas, Offenbach, Foucault, Berlioz, etc. (speaking of whom - both Symphonie Fantastique and the Requiem premiered on this day in 1830 and 1837 respectively).

I'm still praying the sinus/ear infection (?) I have doesn't get worse. So far I can still sing and feel mostly fine; just blowing my nose and dealing with some pressure in my cavities. Which is good because I need to stay healthy for at least the next week! I have a lesson this evening with a very wonderful singer...will write more later about that. Finally have another audition scheduled for next week, and am still going to Germany to work on some of my German roles there (Orlofsky from Die Fledermaus and the ladies from Die Zauberfloete).

Last night went to another concert: the soprano Annick Massis, who makes me glad I'm not a soprano, so I don't have to sing all of these notes: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h4AGF2R6K1E (skip to 2:00 for her aria). Wow.

December 3, 2009: Crossing fingers...

against getting sick right now. Since yesterday, I've felt the always joyous symptom of post-nasal drip (always makes me want to sing Adelaide's Lament from Guys and Dolls), which usually accompanies a sinus infection. I started getting these pretty regularly a few years ago, have used all the remedies possible (steroids, Neti pot, sprays), but of course I have none of those with me in Paris! Thank goodness for the English speaking pharmacy around the corner. I had looked up the words for "throat," "drip," and "nasal" before going there, so I probably could of made myself clear in French, but my dictionary doesn't have an entry for "mucus" so it's good that he understood English. So I have an expectorant and am so far feeling fine besides the drip, so I'm hoping it stays that way. So far this fall/winter, I've been miraculously healthy.

Had a good coaching yesterday, and had planned to go listen to it today in the Louvre. Yesterday

it was nasty outside, and advertised to be the same today, however when I actually walked outside, the sun was peeking through clouds and it felt oddly balmy. So I stopped to eat my lunch outside the gorgeous gothic cathedral St. Eustache - a sandwich from my favorite bakery I've found so far, on my favorite street (Montorgueil) filled with cafes, cheese shops, bakeries, two chocolate shops, etc, etc. Had to snap a photo while the sun shone so brightly for a few minutes.

By the time I got down to the Louvre, it was nice enough that I thought maybe I should do something outside and take advantage of the weather. Well, in the end, I had no choice. The employees of Louvre were (in classic French fashion) protesting something or other and the museum was temporarily closed. I found a nearby bench in the Tuileries and started listening...and of course then the clouds gathered and a freezing wind. I listened for a half hour before I had to give up and wander in the shops of the Carrousel. Good thing too- I found a gift that I've actually been keeping my eyes open for for years.

It's been a sad few days, as one of my dogs did pass away on Tuesday. You pretty much know this is going to happen with pets (that you'll outlive them), but it doesn't make it much easier when the time comes. She was a great dog and fabulous companion and I'll miss her.