Well, I certainly have boots here in Paris (and very glad I brought them too!), and in the past I have left myself whatever goodies St. Nicholas/my mom has sent. I skipped it this year (maybe skipping Thanksgiving and Grampus Day will make Christmas all the more special?) mostly because it's sort of odd to buy yourself chocolates and then put them in your boots, and then wake up the next morning to be "surprised" by the Saint's visit. Also I'm still not feeling well, and chocolates shockingly don't sound that appetizing. I've promised myself that later today I'll try to go out and find something delicious, whether it be chocolate, a pastry, or maybe a hot tea somewhere.
Woke up today feeling worse, with the congestion down in my chest; I know this is a good thing that it's moving down, and hopefully all out in the next day or two...all the same I went to the only supermarche that was open and got some garlic, honey, lemon, and some more tea. I'm trying the raw garlic with honey remedy that I've heard about before although you're really supposed to take it as soon as you start feeling sick. I figure it can't hurt- I just smell a lot.
Yesterday I had a lesson with the mezzo Jennifer Larmore, who is fabulously nice and very caring. I had been sort of worried, trying to prioritize what I wanted to sing for her and what she might be able to help me with the most. Of course in the end we spent the whole time on a single aria! It was a very helpful lesson, primarily because of her insight into my psyche...the way she said a few things helped really crystallize ideas I've had or known about for a while now. Sometimes, you just need someone to express something in a certain way, and it all makes sense. She immediately saw my desire to perform, to entertain, and express- and some of the psychological things I do that might interfere with my actual singing. I know I'm far from alone in this boat- 97% of the singers/musicians I know are at least a little neurotic!
One of the central themes was commitment/ownership. There are a lot of words you can use to describe this mentality- confidence, self-assurance, assertiveness, etc. - but it comes down to in the moment you walk on stage, believing and knowing that you are the only one who can do what your about to do (so you damn well better do it!). I always get in character when I'm singing an aria, or try to express the poetry of a song...but it is true that I don't always allow myself to fully be in the moment, with the knowledge that I'm doing all that I know how to do, and there's nothing to worry about. Another teacher, Carol Kirkpatrick, call this part of the brain "the Brat." The part that hears the last note you sang, and tells you it could have been better, the part that the second before you open your mouth, tells you not to screw up that high note...in other words, self-doubt. In more positive terms, I need to practice this kind of mental preparation and affirmation daily.
I know this sounds so basic, and even a little like psycho-babble, and it's true that I've heard it before. I think this is the first time I've understood how parts of my personality (me) and my voice are connected...and indeed the things I need to practice for performance can maybe help with the rest of my life. I always feel better when I finally make a decision after a long, long period of waffling or limbo (where to go to school, where to live, what plane ticket to buy, etc.), so it should transfer to my singing as well. I want to be an opera singer! It's my voice, I'm the only one making it, giving it, using it.
This is more of a pep talk to myself, btw. Yes, I'm a little neurotic too.
